Dear you guys,

Dear you,
im so sorry i can't be good enough to you, it just seems like everything i did for you was nothing. I understand that I'm not good enough to be something on your eyes. I'm just me. Sorry for letting you guys down.
but is it okay to say that I'm trying? because i really do. It hurts myself to find out that I'm not qualified enough to get what i want, what you guys want, my life goals is just to make you guys proud to have me. Its been 10 years I'm chasing my dreams to make you happy, and don't you know that i have a lot of dreams too? but I've decided to chase this one. Im okay with that.
But i don't know high school could be this hard, i know that it wouldn't be easy but i also didn't know that it would be this hard, don't you guys know how many times i found my self saying "i can't do this please, I'm giving up" on this past 6 months? i bet you guys didn't know that. I kept things on my head alone.
And don't you know how it hurts when you said that I'm not trying hard enough? it feels like all you can do is just see me failing and told me to get me back up again and you know what? it is not helping me at all.
No, no, i know you guys love me, i know that I'm loved, and I'm so grateful for you all but nothing was made or set perfectly right?
The thing that keep reminding me to be strong to face all of those thing is you guys, my big lovely family, you don't know how it hurts me to read grandpa's text every year on my birthday, "God bless you Dr.Nicole Claudia" and I'm scared that i can't be that person he wanted me to be.
So the thing is, I'm not good enough to be in this field called high school, its not only the subjects that hard to be understood but the people are so mean and fake and ohmygod, i hate to say this but i can't fit in. Im so sorry. Its all on me, I'm the one who is hard to get to know to people, and once i get friends, believe me they're the best, because i become friends with people that who is not just a good friend.
Don't you guys know how happy i am, when i realized that i can fit in on this high school thing and i don't have to face this thing alone? Im so happy that i found people who is on the same track with me. I just wanna you guys get to know them and like them as much as i do. Do you ever heard that best friends are family that God send to us but late? So they came from another family but they are just like a brother or a sister to you?
I brought them all to you guys, so you can see it yourself, and i just hope that you can understand, i know you do. Friends are just like my family to me, they are 'you' in school.
And don't you know how it broke my heart to see that you guys can't accept my friends? you tell me that family are so much important than everything, but what if after all of these time your family is do nothing but letting you down? Sorry to say this. But in fact, this is what i feel.

So well, thank you. Now I've got nothing but a broken heart and thank you now i have no one to share this feeling with in school, thank you guys FOR ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME or no. And yeah thank you for helping me get no friends. I love you guys till the moon and back.

It is on its way

It is December, people, repeat, it is officially December. Maybe you would say, so what, it's still december first tho. But no, my heart says it's christmas already
So what should we do? here is some tips, make your own christmas song list, christmas wishes, searching for christmas pictures believe me it would be so much fun and go make your own hot chocolate.

But as for me, this day is full of assignments to do, it's been a busy and a rough day, but still sunday is one of my fav.
Feels like I'm home, eating christmas-cookies, with my laptop on and writing things on this blog, wearing a supercomfypjs and it's been a rainy day. Snuggleweather it is.

Im so glad that christmas is getting closer, and it's day minus 6 before the day that I'm going to be a choir, even though just for a day. I had so much fun during the rehearsal. I will miss those moments for sure, my fridays are not going to be as great as this past 3 weeks. Im blessed to know them.

The exams is around, and well whenever i think about them i feel so tired yet so sad. Maybe I'm just scared, okay it is me, I'm just scared that i can't be good enough. Is okay riteeee