Him

This is my third time writing this kind of post to tell you,

Happy 21st of March, my Yoshua-bear!! Happy 3rd Anniversary

Another year has gone by and i guess there are few things that have changed for us like, now we're both living in a different island and there are more than a thousand kilometers between us. But still i am thankful for our circumstances and we both knew that we're very blessed to be able to be where we are now. We still have each other back after all this time and you're still my goofy-fluffy best friend whom i l love very much.

So this time, i just want to answer one question for this post, which is

What is he like? 

So, let's start with Junior High School. Back in Junior High School (I knew him since 7th grade) for me, he was a guy who jokes lil bit too much with his friends, he plays guitar, he talks quite a lot to girls in his class (which also my class which means he also talked to me) and he makes people get comfortable to talk with him somehow, maybe it's because he really doesn't talk too much and it makes him to be such a good listener, idk. So yeah he was the kind of guy who was enjoying junior high school a lil bit too much, laughs a lot, he gets in trouble sometimes with the teacher and his grades but never more, oh and he likes a lot of girls nyahaha (i knew about it because he told me everything, okay maybe not a lot but a few girls) but never really dated anyone in junior high lol.

And there's this one thing i knew about him since junior high,

his relationship with his sister (and his family too) was and is very adorable till now, you can easily see that he loves his lil sister and his family very much and it gets me, he was the kind of big brother you'll want to have, of course he fights with his sister sometimes but other than that it's still adorable.Oh and he's also the kind of guy who will hug his mother and tell his mother he loves her without being embarrassed. So yeah, you can say that he's a family-guy. 

And the other thing that i knew about him since junior high is that he knew the words of God, he's faithful and by that time he was also active at his church, i saw him a couple of times because i used to go to that church too so yeah, once again, it gets me and i adore him ever since. 

He was that guy who always sends me a message in Facebook after school to ask me anything like school stuffs or just talking, now that I remember, we were just talking about useless things. And he was the one who i asked to try the video chat thingy because it was a new thing back then in Facebook so yeah we did it and i remember that it was 8th grade.

We didn't really talk that much after 8th grade since we never got into the same class except for that one time in 7th grade, so things just went by fast. But i always consider him as one of my good-friends though.

In Senior High School, things changed a lil bit. We used to hangout a lot even almost every day. 

And i guess in senior high he grew up, he became a lil bit mature and suddenly he's not the guy who jokes a lil bit too much anymore. Well maybe he was in the first semester but then,

He was the guy who send me messages through BBM almost everyday just to ask me what was i doing and cheesy stuffs like that,

He was the guy who also send me messages to asked me if he can call me,

He was the guy who will call me for hours even when it's awkward lol.
He was the guy who will take me to mcd drive-thru right before school just because i was upset or sad, even when it has nothing to do with him,
but he was also the guy who will take a really big bite of my food:(
He was the kind of guy who will be mad at me and suddenly show up in front of my house, sometimes it really is that funny and when he showed up i will burst into laugh hahaha, dia yang marah dia yang dateng.

So yeah, 

he was my high-school sweetheart.

And he is still mine after all this time (well it's only been 3 years, so)
He's my favorite person to talk and listen to.
He's my favorite bundle of fat, he's still my favorite source of warmth and fluffiness.
He's my sweetest distraction, my most annoying yet so lovable bear!
He's my favorite do-everything-partner, how i miss our sushi-dates, pizza-dates and of course our movie-dates!!!

Thankyou again yos, you have taught me a lot of things even when you didn't realize it.
For now, i'm just hoping that we both can grow into the right direction, to be what God wanted us to be and i hope we can do it together.
Let us show the world that we can make it, selamat jadi sukses ya Emmanuel Yoshua-ku sayang,
i will always believe in you even when you don't believe it yourself.

I know, i'm sorry we have to miss each other for such a long time,
but looking back to everything that has happened, i'm super grateful for everything and i wouldn't want to have it any other way. I'll be waiting for you and i promise you I will do better too.

ps: you already know the present i bought for you, sabar ya, lama banget deh emang.

Learning to Love

Been awhile since the last time i left something straight from my heart here in my blog.

Okay, so how's life?

Life has been amazingly kind to me. I couldn't ask for any better situation than what I already have these days. 

Actually, i'm not sure if it is life that has been kind or if it is me that has been trying to be kind and more tolerable towards these whole thing called life.

There's so much things going on and everything seems like either it's moving forward or changing into something more, including myself.

Today, the fact that i just realized that i can easily-happily and proudly say that i really love myself; it hits me hard.

It hits me hard because at the same time i realized that i haven't been loving myself like i supposed to do before this time. I never said that i hate myself ('hate' is a very strong word anyway) but i also never admitted to anyone or even to my own self that i love myself either. 

I guess i was just being that insecure kind of girl who never had enough of herself back then, everything was just like "i want to be like that, like this, like her or even like him" and also the thoughts of me not being good enough like everyone else, also the thoughts of me not being pretty-skinny-rich-popular enough, which i know will consume me someday if i let it be, and at some point i realized that i've been living this unhappy life because i want myself to be anything but myself and to have everything that i don't. 

And today, i'm so glad that i'm able to say that i've had more than enough. Well, of course it doesn't just happen like that, it's not like one day you woke up and you can just accept yourself for who you are. That is not how things work for me.

It's all started with my habit which is hearing other people stories. I like to hear other people stories especially when it comes to my friends. It always makes me feel special when someone trusts me with their stories and problems. Of course i gave them some advice or just simply be there for them, and i was trying not to be cheesy with my advice so i really thought about their problems as if i were them. 

I told them to be like this and that, until one day i just realized that i never really do what i told people to do. Then i also realized that many problems started with someone who over-think about what other people say, they think too much about what people(even their own family) want to see in them and forgetting what they really like and who they really are. So, my advice was mostly to be grateful for what they already have and just forget about other people opinion because, you're the one who's living your life not them. And stupid me didn't realize that i made the same mistake and have the same problem.

So you can say that i'm learning a lot from people around me (and characters in books too). 

And i'm so thankful for them, for everyone who has made me who i am today.

And by 'who i am today', i didn't mean i'm already at my best. I'm still so far from that point, but now i know I'm getting there. 

I will learn how to make peace with my own self.

And i guess we all need to know that;

- It is okay to be who you are. No one is you-er than you.

- It is okay to see someone won and succeeded before you, you don't have to be jealous. Make him/her your inspiration, not your competition. Consider it as a blessing when you can do more than him/her.

- It is okay to fail sometimes.

- It is okay to have flaws, you can work on it to make it better. What's life anyway when you don't have any imperfection?

- It is okay to be proud of yourself. Just remember that too much can kill hehe.

- It is okay to reward yourself for your achievements. Gotta love yourself.

- Count your blessings even the smallest one. You must have something other people don't.

- Learn to love; love as hard as much as you can. I'm not saying you should love someone as hard and as much as you can, but yea you get my point.

I honestly think that the greatest thing in life happen when you started to loving your life as much as you can and you know, it will start to love you back.

And i'm one of those person who believe that if you want to love someone, you should make sure that you love yourself first. What's the point of loving someone else when you can't even take care of yourself, i don't think it's gonna work. I think it's just being selfish, like you just want someone to love you because you can't do it for yourself, and we all know that it's not gonna last long because it's like you're giving yourself to other people and rely on them to do the work which is loving you. That's what they said as 'finding someone who can puts me back together'. When i honestly think that is your job to do such thing. 

I do believe in love. It is such an amazing thing to feel and to give, but when it comes to putting yourself back together. Please, do the honor and love yourself to get yourself together. 

Don't say nobody loves me when you have yourself to love you.

I've come a long way (actually it's a few years) to be able to say these things.

Actually, one of the reason i'm able to say these things is because i've been on a relationship with this guy for these last few years, at first i did the same mistake by hoping he would love me whole-heartedly and my life would be nice and whole, i guess? And of course he loves me but he is a human, after all. We would argue, and not talking to each other for some time because we need a break from each other (for our case it only lasts less than 24 hours; yes he loves me that much, okay no jk. Hi yos btw) and while we're arguing i would be alone all over again (even if it's just for a while) especially now that we're on long-distance relationship but anyway it made me realize that i should be the one who's taking care of myself not anyone. And i started to feeling myself, loving me and i told him to do the same and i guess that makes us happier than before and we're pretty stable up until now.

And about accepting myself, i want myself to be better but i think it doesn't mean i can't accept myself, it's because i love myself that i want it to be better. I've been living this unhealthy kind of life and i know i'm not in a good shape, that's something i want to change, and about my sleeping schedule that has been turned upside down like i'm a nocturnal or something, and my problem with drinking water too. I want to acknowledge myself with a lot of good books, treat myself with good music, paying attention to my skincare routine bcs i have this unhappy skin due to lack of water problem and i also want to work hard for my next semester's gpa score so i can make myself proud and aaah there's so much thing i want to do for myself, i guess it is my main goal in 2017. Me time. 

But i feel so much alive and happy now, i'm pretty sure about myself, and of course i'm shoooo grateful for everything that i have now. I have an amazing family and friends, i'm super loved and well-taken care of by my family and friends,  i'm so blessed more than i deserve. 

Like i've said before, life is starting to love me back.