Him

This is my third time writing this kind of post to tell you,

Happy 21st of March, my Yoshua-bear!! Happy 3rd Anniversary

Another year has gone by and i guess there are few things that have changed for us like, now we're both living in a different island and there are more than a thousand kilometers between us. But still i am thankful for our circumstances and we both knew that we're very blessed to be able to be where we are now. We still have each other back after all this time and you're still my goofy-fluffy best friend whom i l love very much.

So this time, i just want to answer one question for this post, which is

What is he like? 

So, let's start with Junior High School. Back in Junior High School (I knew him since 7th grade) for me, he was a guy who jokes lil bit too much with his friends, he plays guitar, he talks quite a lot to girls in his class (which also my class which means he also talked to me) and he makes people get comfortable to talk with him somehow, maybe it's because he really doesn't talk too much and it makes him to be such a good listener, idk. So yeah he was the kind of guy who was enjoying junior high school a lil bit too much, laughs a lot, he gets in trouble sometimes with the teacher and his grades but never more, oh and he likes a lot of girls nyahaha (i knew about it because he told me everything, okay maybe not a lot but a few girls) but never really dated anyone in junior high lol.

And there's this one thing i knew about him since junior high,

his relationship with his sister (and his family too) was and is very adorable till now, you can easily see that he loves his lil sister and his family very much and it gets me, he was the kind of big brother you'll want to have, of course he fights with his sister sometimes but other than that it's still adorable.Oh and he's also the kind of guy who will hug his mother and tell his mother he loves her without being embarrassed. So yeah, you can say that he's a family-guy. 

And the other thing that i knew about him since junior high is that he knew the words of God, he's faithful and by that time he was also active at his church, i saw him a couple of times because i used to go to that church too so yeah, once again, it gets me and i adore him ever since. 

He was that guy who always sends me a message in Facebook after school to ask me anything like school stuffs or just talking, now that I remember, we were just talking about useless things. And he was the one who i asked to try the video chat thingy because it was a new thing back then in Facebook so yeah we did it and i remember that it was 8th grade.

We didn't really talk that much after 8th grade since we never got into the same class except for that one time in 7th grade, so things just went by fast. But i always consider him as one of my good-friends though.

In Senior High School, things changed a lil bit. We used to hangout a lot even almost every day. 

And i guess in senior high he grew up, he became a lil bit mature and suddenly he's not the guy who jokes a lil bit too much anymore. Well maybe he was in the first semester but then,

He was the guy who send me messages through BBM almost everyday just to ask me what was i doing and cheesy stuffs like that,

He was the guy who also send me messages to asked me if he can call me,

He was the guy who will call me for hours even when it's awkward lol.
He was the guy who will take me to mcd drive-thru right before school just because i was upset or sad, even when it has nothing to do with him,
but he was also the guy who will take a really big bite of my food:(
He was the kind of guy who will be mad at me and suddenly show up in front of my house, sometimes it really is that funny and when he showed up i will burst into laugh hahaha, dia yang marah dia yang dateng.

So yeah, 

he was my high-school sweetheart.

And he is still mine after all this time (well it's only been 3 years, so)
He's my favorite person to talk and listen to.
He's my favorite bundle of fat, he's still my favorite source of warmth and fluffiness.
He's my sweetest distraction, my most annoying yet so lovable bear!
He's my favorite do-everything-partner, how i miss our sushi-dates, pizza-dates and of course our movie-dates!!!

Thankyou again yos, you have taught me a lot of things even when you didn't realize it.
For now, i'm just hoping that we both can grow into the right direction, to be what God wanted us to be and i hope we can do it together.
Let us show the world that we can make it, selamat jadi sukses ya Emmanuel Yoshua-ku sayang,
i will always believe in you even when you don't believe it yourself.

I know, i'm sorry we have to miss each other for such a long time,
but looking back to everything that has happened, i'm super grateful for everything and i wouldn't want to have it any other way. I'll be waiting for you and i promise you I will do better too.

ps: you already know the present i bought for you, sabar ya, lama banget deh emang.

Learning to Love

Been awhile since the last time i left something straight from my heart here in my blog.

Okay, so how's life?

Life has been amazingly kind to me. I couldn't ask for any better situation than what I already have these days. 

Actually, i'm not sure if it is life that has been kind or if it is me that has been trying to be kind and more tolerable towards these whole thing called life.

There's so much things going on and everything seems like either it's moving forward or changing into something more, including myself.

Today, the fact that i just realized that i can easily-happily and proudly say that i really love myself; it hits me hard.

It hits me hard because at the same time i realized that i haven't been loving myself like i supposed to do before this time. I never said that i hate myself ('hate' is a very strong word anyway) but i also never admitted to anyone or even to my own self that i love myself either. 

I guess i was just being that insecure kind of girl who never had enough of herself back then, everything was just like "i want to be like that, like this, like her or even like him" and also the thoughts of me not being good enough like everyone else, also the thoughts of me not being pretty-skinny-rich-popular enough, which i know will consume me someday if i let it be, and at some point i realized that i've been living this unhappy life because i want myself to be anything but myself and to have everything that i don't. 

And today, i'm so glad that i'm able to say that i've had more than enough. Well, of course it doesn't just happen like that, it's not like one day you woke up and you can just accept yourself for who you are. That is not how things work for me.

It's all started with my habit which is hearing other people stories. I like to hear other people stories especially when it comes to my friends. It always makes me feel special when someone trusts me with their stories and problems. Of course i gave them some advice or just simply be there for them, and i was trying not to be cheesy with my advice so i really thought about their problems as if i were them. 

I told them to be like this and that, until one day i just realized that i never really do what i told people to do. Then i also realized that many problems started with someone who over-think about what other people say, they think too much about what people(even their own family) want to see in them and forgetting what they really like and who they really are. So, my advice was mostly to be grateful for what they already have and just forget about other people opinion because, you're the one who's living your life not them. And stupid me didn't realize that i made the same mistake and have the same problem.

So you can say that i'm learning a lot from people around me (and characters in books too). 

And i'm so thankful for them, for everyone who has made me who i am today.

And by 'who i am today', i didn't mean i'm already at my best. I'm still so far from that point, but now i know I'm getting there. 

I will learn how to make peace with my own self.

And i guess we all need to know that;

- It is okay to be who you are. No one is you-er than you.

- It is okay to see someone won and succeeded before you, you don't have to be jealous. Make him/her your inspiration, not your competition. Consider it as a blessing when you can do more than him/her.

- It is okay to fail sometimes.

- It is okay to have flaws, you can work on it to make it better. What's life anyway when you don't have any imperfection?

- It is okay to be proud of yourself. Just remember that too much can kill hehe.

- It is okay to reward yourself for your achievements. Gotta love yourself.

- Count your blessings even the smallest one. You must have something other people don't.

- Learn to love; love as hard as much as you can. I'm not saying you should love someone as hard and as much as you can, but yea you get my point.

I honestly think that the greatest thing in life happen when you started to loving your life as much as you can and you know, it will start to love you back.

And i'm one of those person who believe that if you want to love someone, you should make sure that you love yourself first. What's the point of loving someone else when you can't even take care of yourself, i don't think it's gonna work. I think it's just being selfish, like you just want someone to love you because you can't do it for yourself, and we all know that it's not gonna last long because it's like you're giving yourself to other people and rely on them to do the work which is loving you. That's what they said as 'finding someone who can puts me back together'. When i honestly think that is your job to do such thing. 

I do believe in love. It is such an amazing thing to feel and to give, but when it comes to putting yourself back together. Please, do the honor and love yourself to get yourself together. 

Don't say nobody loves me when you have yourself to love you.

I've come a long way (actually it's a few years) to be able to say these things.

Actually, one of the reason i'm able to say these things is because i've been on a relationship with this guy for these last few years, at first i did the same mistake by hoping he would love me whole-heartedly and my life would be nice and whole, i guess? And of course he loves me but he is a human, after all. We would argue, and not talking to each other for some time because we need a break from each other (for our case it only lasts less than 24 hours; yes he loves me that much, okay no jk. Hi yos btw) and while we're arguing i would be alone all over again (even if it's just for a while) especially now that we're on long-distance relationship but anyway it made me realize that i should be the one who's taking care of myself not anyone. And i started to feeling myself, loving me and i told him to do the same and i guess that makes us happier than before and we're pretty stable up until now.

And about accepting myself, i want myself to be better but i think it doesn't mean i can't accept myself, it's because i love myself that i want it to be better. I've been living this unhealthy kind of life and i know i'm not in a good shape, that's something i want to change, and about my sleeping schedule that has been turned upside down like i'm a nocturnal or something, and my problem with drinking water too. I want to acknowledge myself with a lot of good books, treat myself with good music, paying attention to my skincare routine bcs i have this unhappy skin due to lack of water problem and i also want to work hard for my next semester's gpa score so i can make myself proud and aaah there's so much thing i want to do for myself, i guess it is my main goal in 2017. Me time. 

But i feel so much alive and happy now, i'm pretty sure about myself, and of course i'm shoooo grateful for everything that i have now. I have an amazing family and friends, i'm super loved and well-taken care of by my family and friends,  i'm so blessed more than i deserve. 

Like i've said before, life is starting to love me back.

Role-play Teori Hildegard Peplau

Fase Orientasi

Di fase ini, pasien menyadari mereka membutuhkan bantuan professional, pasien bisa saja merasa takut dan bertanya-tanya apa yang sedang terjadi dengan dirinya.

Di fase ini, peran perawat adalah masih menjadi orang asing atau stranger role. Perawat perlu menjelaskan diri mereka, menerapkan batasan-batasan dan berusaha memperoleh kepercayaan dari pasien.

Di suatu pagi di sebuah rumah sakit, seorang perawat datang ke sebuah kamar tempat rawat inap. Di kamar tersebut terdapat seorang pasien yang baru saja masuk ke rumah sakit karena pingsan ketika ingin berangkat menuju kantor. Pasien tersebut baru saja tersadar dari pingsannya.

Perawat :  Selamat pagi Ibu. Saya (Nama Perawat). Permisi ya Bu saya mohon izin untuk memeriksa keadaan pasien.

Ibu Pasien: Pagi suster. Iya sus, saya Ibu (Nama), Ibunya. Silahkan sus.

Perawat: Baik Ibu.

Perawat: Selamat pagi, saya (Nama Perawat) yang akan menjadi perawat anda di shift pagi ini. Anda baru saja dimasukkan ke rumah sakit karena ditemukan pingsan oleh keluarga anda beberapa saat yang lalu. Bagaimana keadaan anda sekarang ini?

Pasien : Pagi suster, saya (nama pasien). Kepala saya masih terasa sakit sus. Ada apa dengan saya?

Perawat: Anda akan baik-baik saja, Pak. Kadar gula dalam darah anda yang rendah menyebabkan anda kehilangan kesadaran.

Pasien: Oh begitu ya sus. Terima kasih banyak suster.

Perawat: Baik, Pak. Saya akan melakukan beberapa pemeriksaan ya, Pak.

….

Nanti dokter akan menemui anda beberapa saat lagi untuk memeriksa keadaan anda lebih lanjut, saya akan mendampingi anda. Bapak kalau membutuhkan apapun atau ingin bertanya silahkan bertanya dengan saya ya pak, tekan saja bel yang ada di dekat tempat tidur bapak. Saya permisi dulu ya Bu, Pak.

Pasien & Ibu Pasien: Iya, terimakasih banyak suster.

Fase Identifikasi

Pada fase ini, pasien menyadari mereka dapat mempercayai perawat untuk membantunya. Pasien dengan penyakit yang cukup berat mungkin akan merasakan ketakutan di fase ini. Perawat disini dibutuhkan untuk meyakinkan bahwa mereka akan selalu membantu pasien dan berupaya yang terbaik untuk kesembuhan pasien. Peran perawat sebagai leader (leadership) sangat penting di fase ini karena pada fase ini perawat harus bisa membimbing pasien.

Perawat: Selamat Siang, (Nama Pasien). Bagaimana Pak keadaanya siang  ini?

Pasien: Pagi Suster. Saya sedih sekali sus, dokter baru saja mengatakan kalau saya mempunyai penyakit diabetes. Kakek saya juga sakit diabetes dan saya melihat kalau penyakit itu sangat tidak enak. Saya jadi bingung saya harus seperti apa.

Perawat: Iya, saya mengerti Pak. Saya disini akan membantu bapak untuk membantu bapak dalam proses menuju kesehatan bapak. Kami akan mengupayakan yang terbaik untuk merawat bapak. Dokter juga akan mencoba pengobatan yang terbaik yang bisa dilakukan, karena itu kami mohon kerja sama dari bapak agar melakukan pengobatan sesuai dengan yang telah dianjurkan.

Pasien: Iya suster, terimakasih banyak. Saya butuh bantuan suster, saya senang suster mau membantu saya.

Fase Ekploitasi

Di fase ini, pasien dan perawat sudah menuju ke tujuan agar pasien bisa sembuh, keluar dari rumah sakit dan beraktivitas kembali. Pasien mungkin akan kesulitan untuk menjadi mandiri nantinya ketika sudah tidak bersama dengan perawat. Pada fase ini juga dapat ditemukan peran perawat sebagai teacher atau pengajar yang memberikan pasien informasi bagaimana menjaga dan merawat kesehatannya.

Perawat 1: Selamat Sore Pak, saya dan teman saya sore ini akan megajarkan bapak bagaimana bapak dapat mengecek kadar gula darah bapak nantinya ketika bapak dirumah ya pak.

Perawat 2: Sore, Pak. Saya (nama perawat).

Pasien: Selamat sore suster. Wah saya harus periksa sendiri ya sus nantinya?

Perawat 2: Iya betul Pak. Biar bapak bisa menjaga kadar gula di darah bapak tetap di batas normal, bapak harus dengan rutin melakukan pengecekan.

Pasien: Waduh, kalau saya tidak bisa bagaimana sus? Saya takut jarum. Kalau saya datang kesini setiap ngecek gula darah bisa sus?

Perawat 2: Tidak bisa begitu, Pak. Sudah tugas kami untuk mengajar bapak harus, nanti kalau bapak minta tolong dengan orang rumah juga bisa. Ibunya bapak juga bisa ikut belajar sekarang biar bisa membantu bapak nanti dirumah.

Ibu Pasien: Iya sus, saya juga akan belajar biar nanti saya yang tolong anak saya.

Perawat 1: Iya Ibu, Bapak juga pasti bisa kok, Pak. Lama-lama akan terbiasa dan tidak akan sakit lagi, caranya juga mudah Pak.

Pasien: Baik kalau begitu sus. Iya saya juga ingin cepat keluar dari rumah sakit.

Fase Resolusi

Pada fase terakhir ini, pasien sudah siap untuk keluar dari rumah sakit dan pulang ke rumah. Fase ini adalah proses memutus atau melepas hubungan antara pasien dan perawat. Sebelum pasien keluar, perawat juga harus memastikan bahwa pasien siap untuk merawat dirinya sendiri dengan baik dan benar sesuai dengan penyakitnya.

Perawat 2: Pagi Pak, hari ini bapak diperbolehkan pulang ya? Pasti bapak senang ya sudah bisa kembali ke rumah.

Pasien: Iya sus, saya senang bisa kembali. Tapi sus, saya takut saya tidak bisa menjaga kadar gula darah saya nantinya dirumah.

Perawat 2: Bapak harus menjaga cara makan bapak dirumah nanti ya pak. Tentunya bapak tidak boleh banyak mengkonsumsi makanan yang mengandung glukosa tinggi, bapak harus mengurangi porsi nasi dan karbohidrat lainnya. Kalau bapak nanti dapat menjaga makan bapak pasti bapak akan baik-baik saja. Jangan lupa juga untuk rutin meminum obat yang diberikan dokter dan selalu memonitor kadar gula darah bapak seperti yang sudah diajarkan.

Pasien: Iya sus. Saya akan mencoba mencari tipe diet yang sesuai dengan saya agar gula darah saya bisa selalu normal. Terimakasih banyak ya suster untuk semua informasinya.

Perawat 2: Tentu, Pak. Dengan senang hati saya membantu.

Demikian 4 fase proses-interpersonal seperti yang sesuai dengan teori Hildegard Peplau. Di dalam fase-fase ini terdapat juga peran-peran perawat seperti yang telah dijelaskan. Peran sebagai stranger ketika pasien pertama masuk ke RS, peran sebagai teacher/pengajar contohnya tadi ketika perawat mengajarkan cara mengecek gula darah, narasumber ketika memberikan informasi, konselor ketika perawat membantu pasien dengan keluhannya, wakil/pengganti ketika perawat melakukan asuhan keperawatan dan peran sebagai leader ketika perawat membimbing pasien agar dapat menjaga diri sendiri dan tidak bergantung secara terus menerus dengan perawat.

1.168km Away

Hi there,

If you’re reading this then it must’ve been a month since the day you left.

Icon pernah bilang ya kan yos, pasti sedih ya kalo jadi yang ditinggal, kalo kita perginya bareng gitusih gapapa, nggak kerasa soalnya sama-sama sibuk.

Mikirnya sih Icon bakalan ke Manado, Yoshua di Batam. Ternyata Tuhan nggak bilang iya soal Icon jadi dokter, and that’s okay.

And I’m the one who stay,

and it’s true, it’s absolutely a bittersweet moment for me, for us maybe, but just let me be selfish this time because I’m gonna tell you how it feels to be me at that time, I am excited for you, for everything that you can do ,that I know you couldn’t when you’re still here, and oh dear, you should be too.

I believe there’s a lot of things you can achieve and learn in your new place, just do it, and I’ll be waiting for the stories about how you made it in the end of the day.

I’ve had just enough time with you,

2 years and 3 months of us, and you were one of my high-school sweethearts, my bestfriend and my eat-everything-partner that I’m so thankful about lol. We've had enough time, there's a lot of good memories of you in my mind.

June 30^th’16,

It was the day when you left.

I remember that day, it was 3 am in the morning and I was crying, not because of you, I swear to God I don’t even care about you (well at first), but because at that time my post-op friggin wisdom tooth was hurt as fudge. I had a fever and a very weeeiiirddd dream (katanya gigi gua dibawa kapal dan setiap kapalnya pergi gigi gua bakal sakit banget sumpah, it was horrible) because of the pain that night.

Well, thank God for obat anti sakit dari dokternya which btw makes me sleepy as hell. I made it that day.

I didn’t cry that day, or the day after, or even the day after that,

I never cry since the day you left this town. Not even once.

Susah sih emang awalnya, Yoshua yang awal-awal masih sibuk pindahan, beresin rumahnya, kesana kemari ngurusin kuliah, dan lain sebagainya, susah liat line, dan Icon gabut banget dirumah nggak bisa kemana-mana dan tanpa disadarin pun diawal-awal Icon sempet marah, entah yoshua sadar atau nggak, and I was a fool, I was being selfish, entah gua marah sama apa, nggak jelas, akhirnya pun gua sadar, udah saatnya buat kita ngejalanin hidup masing-masing, to fight for our dreams, harus ngebiasain diri karena itu belom apa-apa.

Nantinya Icon bakalan kuliah dari pagi sampe sore, Yoshua kerja dari pagi sampe sore dan malemnya kuliah, entah kapan kita bisa ngobrol gajelas lagi. Tapi gapapa, kalo emang Tuhan mau kita sama-sama pasti akan terus ada jalan.

Tanggal 1 Yoshua udah mulai kerjanya, udah kuliah juga. Semangat kamu maz-maz gembul, kita ngobrolnya minggu aja gapapa kok nyahahaha.

Hah anyway, lu balik gua udah jago nyuci yos, liat aja. Lu sukses gua juga sukses. Nanti ya 4 tahun lagi, yoshua S.E , Icon S.Kep terus sekolah dulu lagi setaun:’)

Tepati janji lu ya beliin playdoh nanti.

.

.

This screenshot was taken when you said that they sell penguin-meat there in Batam and i ...... somehow, believed it.

.

I missed you, I would say with all of my heart but my fat is bigger than my heart so, I missed you with all of my fat.

.

I think I would cry if I ever see you again.

.

Anw,

People asked,

“Are you okay?”

I am fine, I’m getting used to it.

I’m  just trying to get back to the life before him, which I barely even remember.

Well, anywaaay, we both have interesting journey to face in front of us, we’ll be just fine, aren’t we, Yos?

Cheers! (going into college, SBMPTN, new dreams)

I honestly don’t know where to start, there’s so much going on these days;

Maybe it all started a few years ago, when everyone will ask “what you gonna be when you grow up?” and I will immediately say, “a doctor!”

Mungkin kalo kalian nanya pertanyaan yang sama ke gua sekarang, jawaban gua nggak bakal sama kayak yang diatas, gua akan jawab, “gua mau kerja buat Tuhan, jadi apapun yang dia mau.” 

Cliché much?

I know nothing in this wild-wild-world.

Oh iya, itu bukan karena hasil test yang mengatakan gua nggak lolos Fakultas Kedokteran, iya gua nggak lolos seleksi but anyway,

sebelum gua test pun gua bakal jawab seperti yang udah gua sebutkan, sekali lagi bukan karena itu bentuk berserahnya gua biar Tuhan bisa kasian sama gua atau apa, selama gua belajar buat test itu, gua mulai mikir apa bener yang Tuhan mau ini, kenapa gua ragu? 

Bukan mau sombong, biasanya feeling gua selalu kuat mengenai suatu hal, I know when something’s wrong.

Gua pun mencoba untuk melihat ke gambaran yang lebih besar lagi, what’s life all about? Apa yang gua mau, apa yang akan membuat gua bisa pake potensi yang Tuhan kasih dengan sepenuhnya?

And I just realized that life’s so much more than that. 

Kita yang orangtuanya mendukung kita biar bisa sekolah, oh believe me, kita harus sangat sangat bersyukur, kita jauh jauh sangat lebih beruntung dari banyak banget orang di dunia yang bisa masuk SMP aja udah syukur, banyak banget juga yang lulus SMA dipaksa nikah sama orangtuanya atau kerja karena tuntutan ekonomi yang buat mereka jadi ngga bisa ngelanjutin kuliah, dan ngga sedikit juga yang masih berpikiran “buat apa sekolah tinggi-tinggi?”.

Semua ini demi apapun bukan pembelaan diri dan bukannya gua juga jadi ngga mau ngelanjutin sekolah, tapi cuma ngingetin aja ketika lo merasa gagal ada baiknya menjauh sedikit dan liat ke gambaran yang lebih besar, it works for me. Tuhan ngajarin anak-anaknya buat kuat dan sabar, nggak ada yang janjiin hidup enak dan serba gampang.

Mungkin banyak yang bakal mikir gua nggak berjuang keras buat dapetin mimpi gua yang udah gua cita-citakan dari umur 5 tahun itu. Idk, mungkin kalian ada benarnya, mungkin tidak, whatever helps you sleep at night people cannot be pleased anw, cuma gua dan Tuhan yang tahu pergumulan yang sudah gua lewatkan. 2 tahun lalu kira-kira diwaktu yang hampir-hampir sama, gua bergumul dengan kenyataan kalo sepertinya gua nggak bisa masuk jurusan IPA karena aduh yang namanya matematika dan fisika itu bener-bener deh untuk seorang Icon kayak nggak jodoh gitu, gua inget gua berdoa setiap malem memohon-mohon bilang, “Tuhan kalo emang Tuhan mau aku jadi dokter pasti Tuhan yang buka jalan”

Tuhan nggak bisa diajak tawar menawar.

Dan akhirnya si Icon masuk IPA, disaat temen-temen gua yang gua yakin nilainya lebih bagus daripada gua itu ada yang nggak bisa masuk IPA. Tuhan baik.

Waktu itu gua punya 2 pilihan untuk pindah sekolah kalo nggak masuk IPA atau masuk IPS dan cari yang lain, gua kepikiran psikolog since I love to read people thoughts and everything, tapi ternyata Tuhan nggak bawa gua kesitu. Semenjak itu gua makin yakin kalo emang Tuhan mau gua jadi dokter karena gua sendiri pun udah janji gelar dokter gua itu buat orang yang ngebutuhin, bukan untuk uang dan sekedar prestige-nya bisa jadi anak FK.

Semakin kesini tiba-tiba ada perasaan ragu, gua selalu takut untuk ngakuin gua ragu karena harapan keluarga gua biar gua jadi dokter itu sangat besar, gua lebih takut ngecewain keluarga daripada diri gua sendiri, so I did it anyway. But thank God for my mom, mama yang tadinya being pushy about me masuk kedokteran, mama bilang gapapa kalo gua emang nggak mau. Cuma dari mama aja gua sudah merasa saaaangaaat lega, tapi tetep sih gua bingung sama apa yang sebenernya Tuhan mau, tapi apalah artinya rencana manusia dibandingkan rancangan Tuhan?

I personally think that being a doctor, it takes more than just a smart brain and a kind heart of a person, it takes your whole life dedication, jadi dokter itu nggak sekedar jadi dokter tapi itu pengabdian seumur hidup dan itu soal hidup mati banyak orang, bukannya takut, I really wanted to do that for a long time, temen-temen deket gua pun tau kerjaan si Icon nontonin prosedur operasi, ngeliat proses-proses yang orang bilang serem dan bikin jijik but I found it interesting like how amazing is that seriously tho, tapi bisa bilang apa kalo Tuhan anggap belom qualified enough?

Emang bisa coba di swasta, tapi ya pertama gua nggak mau nyusahin orangtua karena biaya yang mahal banget itu dan gua juga nggak mau maksain jadi dokter karena gengsi cita-cita 12 tahun gua, gua nggak mau jadi dokter yang nggak berkualitas karena nantinya otak gua nggak mampu, itu soal hidup dan mati orang lain, kita tau kalo di Indonesia ini fakultas kedokteran udah banyak tapi dokter berkualitasnya nggak sebanding, banyak cap negatif yang kayak “dokter indo mah nyari duit, dikit-dikit operasi ya gimana orang kuliahnya mahal”.

So, for what it’s worth, I really hope that teman-teman yang Tuhan jawab doanya bisa masuk kedokteran, jangan disia-siakan karena banyak orang diluar sana yang pengen banget ada di tempat kalian, dan gua sendiri sih berharap kalo kalian jadi dokter jadi yang berkualitas yang emang mau melayani dan bukan karena alasan kayak biar keren atau kayaknya asik aja jadi dokter, punya tujuan di dalam dunia kesehatan Indonesia, they need you, this country needs you.

And now what? Is it hurt? 

Honestly tho, sebelum hari pengumuman itu gua sudah tahu apa yang bakal jadi hasilnya, boleh kalian sebut gua pesimis atau apa, tapi gua tahu kemampuan diri gua sendiri, kalo emang gua bisa gua pasti masih berharap dan di SMA pun gua biasanya tahu kalo nilai ulangan gua bakal remed atau nggak heheh tapi ya kesel juga sih kalo iya. Bahkan gua kelas 10 sering banget nggak belajar buat ulangan karena entah gua tahu aja kalo ulangannya nggak jadi, dan biasanya sih bener hehe.

Terus jadi pas hari pengumuman itu paginya jam 9 gua ada operasi cabut gigi bungsu, yang ternyata astaga pas efek biusnya udah ilang itu sakit banget sampe kaget, pipi gua sampe sekarang pun masih bengkak nyahahah, jadi gua udah sama sekali nggak peduli sama hasilnya, sampai sekarang pun nggak gua buka, mama yang buka terus mama cuma bilang “ade ngga keterima, mama yang bukain” tanpa ngasih liat juga, karena itu lagi mau ngasih gua obat hahaha.

Sakit? Sakit giginya sih hehehe, yaaa sakit sih bagian harus melepas mimpi gua yang umurnya udah 12 tahun itu dan pastinya sedih karena gua nggak memenuhi keinginan keluarga besar and I’m so sorry for that, tapi Tuhan udah siapin yang jauh lebih baik, dan gua sangat yakin kalo yang ini. Akhirnya pun gua yang harus jalanin semuanya, memang bener saat-saat krusial dalam hidup manusia itu harus dijalanin sendiri, kalo terus-terusan mau ikutin orang kamu kapan hidupnya, banggain keluarga itu pasti harus dilakuin tapi banggain juga bukan berarti harus ngikutin strict gitu, berhasil itu nggak terpaku sama suatu hal dan banyak definisinya.

Dan soal PTN PTS, gua sendiri coba PTN karena soal biaya masuk kedokteran swasta yang mahal itu, istilahnya di PTN aja lumayan apalagi di swasta jadi karena tau diri ya maunya di PTN, bukan karena papa mama nggak mampu, I believe they will do anything for me to get what I want for my Dad once said, “nggak usah mikirin uangnya, ade kalo mau masuk situ ya masuk aja”. Aduh gua nggak mau banget udah ngabisin duit tapi cuma jadi dokter pas-pasan maksa.

Jadi gua sih percaya PTN PTS itu sama aja, bukan kampus yang nentuin kualitas seorang manusia, manusianya sendiri kan yang nentuin, mau sepinter apapun kalo cuma rajin pas mau SBMPTN doang pas udah masuk leyeh-leyeh ya sama aja kan dan gua juga penganut keras kalo hidup nggak secetek kuliah, PTN/S, atau soal jadi apa, tapi soal ngebentuk karakter karena ilmu juga nggak cuma teori, the way you treat people, the way you face your problems, the way you solve them, and the way you find your own happiness, that’s what matters the most.

Gua semangat banget buat ngejalanin semuanya, dan ohiya, gua coba masuk S1 Keperawatan, jadi janji gua untuk melayani itu masih bisa gua wujudkan.

Gua semangat untuk lihat hebatnya kerja Tuhan di hidup gua ke depannya, emang awalnya gua takut buat ganti mimpi tapi sekarang nggak sama sekali for I have the most powerful thing in this world, blessings. I’m beyond blessed to experience such a wonderful years, and I believe there are more years to come. I’m shooo excited that the best is yet to come, masih panjang perjalanannya, gua mau jalan-jalan, mau nulis buku, mau belajar musik, mau jadi guru sekolah minggu lagi, mau ketemu banyak orang, mau main make up biar bisa makeup-in orang, mau koleksi lipstick dan highlighter, mau kerja, mau ketemu yoshua lagi ahahah, mau volunteer ke daerah-daerah, mau berbuat sesuatu yang berguna buat orang lain, mau kurus dulu, mau warnain rambut tapi nanti ajadeh hehe nanti alay, mau baca buku sebanyak-banyaknya, mau bikin orang seneng, mau punya apartement, mau belajar masak, mau beli kamera buat vlog, dan maunya sih ngelakuin semuanya selama masih muda, sebelum 30 tahun deh hehehe.

Iya, hidup itu nggak secetek satu kali kegagalan.

Dan ohiya, I want to live my life to the fullest untuk ngerasain kegagalan gua di tahun-tahun mendatang sebelum gua berhasil sukses nantinya.

Cheers,

Icon soon to be a nurse-writer-cook-freelancer-mua-etc,

xx

Happy 21st of March! (x2)

Halo maz maz freak - bapak kopeto - si bolot!
Selamat mengulang tanggal 21 Maret yang kedua bersama si Icon huehehehe.

Its been 2 years!!!! Baru 2 taun sih, but it feels like i've known you better than anyone and vice versa.
First thing first, yes in this post i'm going to post things about you, us and me while we're on the phone, you're playing Counter Strike and i'm waiting for the download to be finished so we can play it online together.

Geez, words really couldn't describe how grateful I am that God let you to be part of my life, what would i be without you, Yos?
Terimakasih ya dear, sudah banyak melakukan hal yang gak terhitung banyaknya buat bikin segumpalan Icon ini senang. You put a lot of effort on me that sometimes i think maybe it's unfair but then, kita sama-sama songong, lu juga banyak maunya jadi kita impas nyahahah.
Im so glad that we're taking care of each other, saling melengkapi,
Yoshua yang tepat waktu, Icon yang ngaret
Yoshua yang tenang, Icon yang panikan
Yoshua yang sayang barang, Icon suka buang buang barang:'
Yoshua yang suka berantakan, Icon yang rapihin
Yoshua yang bolot, Icon yang agak gak bolot(?)
dan masih banyak lagi, it feels like more than that,

I know that i'm crazy and weird and stuff, but you are okay with it because you're just as weird.
It's like, gua makan semangkok mie ayam keju mahal yang ada banyak sawinya, dan lu yang makan sawinya (dan pasti minta mie kejunya jugasih),  jadi kita berdua gak rugi, sama-sama senang.
Itu perumpamaan yang aneh, tapi beneran. Ya gitudeh pokoknya.

The term of 'Pacaran' selalu buat gua geli, tapi sama Yoshua ya nggak menggelikan,
I've known your for almost six years!!! Dari gua salah ngatain orang, sampe kita temenan, lu cerita soal cewe-cewe yang lu suka, which was my friend lol. Sampe jaman nya gua liat lu pelayanan di gereja, nilai lu dari cara lu memperlakukan adek dan mama, you treat them as your queen and i wouldn't be surprised if you're willing to treat your girl as your princess, and I adore you ever since, i thought that you would be a great boyfriend, but i never really thought you would be MY boyfriend.

Gua nggak pernah ngebayangin yang namanya 'have that kind of relationship' yang pake aku-kamu, bilang aku sayang kamu, ngerayain anniv tiap bulan, karena gua sangat tidak begitu. Ngomong pake aku-kamu sama lu sampe sekarang aja geli kalo nggak lagi becanda, pake aku-kamu kayak lagi ngomong sama anak sekolah minggu gua:(
but anyways, yoshua tidak pernah bikin icon nggak nyaman sama hal-hal kayak gitu, karena we're basically have the same way of thinking in some type of ways.
I enjoy every moments i shared with you, bahkan sampe ke berantem-berantemnya, yang kadang sangat hebat sampe lucu mikirinnya, kayak orang mabok.

Terimakasih loh yos setiap gua marah pasti yoshua selalu tbtb line 'gua depan rumah' nyahahahah dan gua pun akan keluar sambil nahan ketawa.
Terimakasih sudah jadi sumber ketawa tengah malem bahkan subuh-subuh, bikin kesel sampe nangis, dengerin icon nangis, ketawa, marah-marah, dan udah mau dengerin my wildest dreams, my life goals bahkan ikut merencakan untuk bantuin icon mewujudkannya.
Thank you yos udah tahan dimarah-marahin, sudah mau dengerin Icon, sudah mau merubah kebiasaan gak baik, semangat terus ya sayang:p

We've been through a lot of fun times, tears of laughter even sadness, and i swear i'm so excited to feel them all over again for the next 100 years. You made me feel blessed and loved, honoured and, i can tell that we're both growing up. ahhh im too excited yos, i know it's kinda scary, but we'll be okay, right?

Mungkin tanggal 21 Maret tahun depan, dan entah berapa tahun ke depan kita nggak bisa ngerayain bareng, but that's okay (kita juga gapernah ngerayain sekarang), just promised me to reach out for your dreams, kita sama-sama sukses dulu, kalo Tuhan yang udah rencanain, kita mau lari dari satu sama lain pun pasti akhirnya ketemu lagi.
Pokoknya sukses ya Yoshuanya Icon, si kopet heuheuheu.
Selalu jalan dalam Tuhan Yesus ya, Emmanuel Yoshua-ku sayang.

Cheers for our 2nd Anniversary and more years to come! God be with us and our relationship!
Me loves you more than just very much, thank you for your love to si Icon:)

Jemput ye jam setengah 5. bhay.

Relationship(t)

So, what is the first thing came up in your mind when you heard the word "Relationship"?

The first thing that came up in my mind is a connection, two people, et cetera.

So to be really honest, what is it, what is this thing all about?

.

.

.

.

Geez, who really knows?

No one really can describe it.

. 

.

.

.

I've been with this 'someone' these past 2 years, therefore, I'm new at this thing, i know nothing about this crap. But, 2 years is about the 720 days or so, it is more than a hundred, and it's not a small amount of days, 

and let me tell you what, each and every day i learned a lot from this 'relationship' thingy. 

Yang namanya mencoba untuk menyatukan dua hal yang nggak sama itu akan selalu jadi 'percobaan' namanya, and you'll never now how it will go. Bisa berhasil, dan ada kemungkinan untuk gagal, gagalnya pun kadang ada yang kalem-kalem aja cuma tidak berfungsi tapi ada juga yang meledak kemana-mana, dramatis dan painful which i'm sure you guys you know what i really mean.

Orang bilang ini cuma enak diawal, tidak bisa dipungkiri itu ada benarnya juga. It's not that i'm complaining or something, but it is true.

Bulan-bulan pertama emang semuanya menyenangkan, semuanya baik, kekurangan kecil masing-masing pihak is still acceptable, berantemnya cuma gara-gara hal kecil kayak chat, salah ngomong dan sebagainya, tipe-tipe masalah yang kalau ketemu langsung juga udah ketawa lagi (or is it just me?)

But then you'll realize a lot lot lot lot of things,

relationship isn't all about the flowery, the ticklish feelings and all the stuffs like that the whole time, is all about get to know to someone, mengenal lebih jauh seseorang.

I think, this part is the bittersweet part of the relationship. 

At first, most people kind of expecting good things came out from this someone like all the time, and this is where it all started...

A good first impression nggak akan terus bertahan karena ya mana ada yang mau menunjukkan sisi jeleknya ke orang lain yang baru dikenal?

Sifat asli seseorang juga akan muncul dengan seiringnya waktu berjalan, karena selama itu juga kita jalan bareng, being a partner for each other, akan mulai kenal siapa dia sebenarnya, dia akan kenal siapa kita sebenarnya. Bersyukur kalo tetap masih bisa cocok reaksinya, kadang orang disini pun udah nggak tahan dan bilangnya, "kita udah nggak cocok" "kita nggak punya kesamaan" and even worse, "kamu berubah" like dude, the heck is wrong with you?! Dari awal juga mana ada manusia yang langsung cocok sama yang lainnya, mana ada yang sama, it's not that you're dating with your clone or something.

In conclusion, i think relationship is not about 

"lagi apa? udah makan?"

"i love you so much"

"i miss you" 

"nanti kalo udah gede emang kamu cita-citanya apa"

for me, a relationship is all about (or should be),

"ayo makan bareng dulu, baru kerjain yang lain nanti"

"kita cari jalan yang terbaik biar sama-sama sukses"

"kamu coba sekolah ini aja aku udah browsing katanya bagus"

"hari ini kamu yang pimpin doa"

"kayak gitu nggak baik, jangan begitulah, kamu salah"

"mama/papa/kakak/adek gimana?"

and saying the terms i love you by words, for me isn't really necessary because showing it is more important. 

Dan 'relationship' itu memang diperuntukkan untuk 2 pihak, tapi nggak juga sepenuhnya begitu, dalam kedua belah pihak itu teman dan keluarga juga pasti akan terlibat, mengenal lebih jauh itu nggak hanya pasangan kita aja tapi juga keluarga dan teman-temannya, especially keluarganya, kunci disini adalah ketulusan hati menurut gue, hati yang tulus itu gak akan ditolak, gak bisa dibohongi. Jangan berpikir untuk mendekati keluarga dia karena mau kelihatan lebih baik di mata dia. It is so lame.

Dan ada beberapa terms and condition yang harus ditepati atau diperhatikan menurut gue dalam suatu hubungan  yaitu adalah;

'Family comes first'

'Me-time is important'

'Saying thank you and please, show some respect to each other is a must'

'Love your ownself first'

'Keep all the problems only between two of us'

About fighting for your partner, i think we have to know the limits. If it hurts you more than anything, leave it, you deserve better. Relationship is not easy, love is demanding sacrifices but if you're the one who is sacrificing and your someone is not, it is wrong. One thing that we should remember really well,  relationship is just a phase, it is not like he or she is 'the one' right away, take your time.

In other way, pasangan kita juga mencerminkan kita saat itu, kalau nggak bener ya harus tanya diri sendiri juga apakah kita juga nggak bener selama ini. 

Nggak ada yang tahu bagaimana cara menjalankan hubungan dengan benar tapi waktu yang mengajarkan, oh ya and by the way, the best part of relationship besides the love that you got is the chance to growing up together with your partner. You both become wiser, stronger and realistic and open-minded as the time goes by. At least, however it was.

Bukan mau menggurui atau apa, but i think we all should keep it in our mind that relationship isn't always sweet, it is extremely painful, it's not as easy as it seems, it could be stressful in some point and it isn't always a happy ending. But one thing for sure, it is a valuable lessons we can learn, all of them, each and every day is valuable. And the love, if it's real, it is all worth the pain.

Dan ya, ini bukan pasangan mana yang paling romantis, bukan berapa banyak bunga yang udah dikasih (dan terus pas layu dibuang) dan berapa banyak kata-kata manis yang udah diucapkan, bukan soal foto selfie berdua mana yang paling bagus, bukan soal berapa lama hubungannya, tapi ini soal siapa yang paling bijaksana untuk bisa melakukan yang terbaik dari dirinya dengan tujuan membangun pasangannya tanpa mengkhawatirkan apa yang bisa pasangannya lakukan untuk dirinya.

There's more that i still want to talk about but it's currently 1:44 AM and i've promised myself and him to get up at 6 this morning for a morning run. 

By the way, happy Christmas Eve dearest folks, tho i'm not really sure someone will read this thing but i'd like to pretend that I'm talking to someone because i like to reread all of the posts in my blog hehehehe