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You may call a girl selfish, call it what you want.
But i found it myself that 'to make a move', 'to speak for yourself', and to 'tell people how you feel' is really hard.
And unfortunately, we knew exactly what we want, who we want, or how we feel but we just too scared to show them all.
I don't know if it is just me or something but no, i cannot and i don't think that i will start a conversation first. And you know why? Its just simply because feeling unwanted doesn't feel great, people. It doesn't feel great at all.
You may kill me for being insecure, shy or something and i wouldn't mention it if you don't do it first.

And I might be dying wanting to talk to you and would do everything just to hear your voice but still I'm not gonna text you or call you first, I'm feeling like I'm annoying and you don't want to talk to me, yet I'm so friggin miss you and want to see you.

And I'm scared that the fact i fall too easily, once i get attached, i do it whole-heartedly and it would be so hard to let go and it would be so easy to people for break my heart. So, i keep myself on the safe-track, I'm trying to conceal it, like all the time. Act like I'm okay, well i might be okay but I'm not fine at all.

So, all that I'm wishing for is, you guys, people who recently taking part in my life, please do not get tired of me, even tho sometimes I'm tired of my own self.

And maybe you can't see it from myself, you may not think that i give a damn for you but in fact, i do, i really do care about you, you may not think that I'm dying to talk to you, but let me tell you, i always do. And it breaks me to know that you don't know how i really feel, it is hard for me to show it.

I just want you to know that you are always loved, and they said, the greatest thing of it all is to see and to hope your most precious one is happy, with or without you.

One Last Cry - Brian Mcknight lyrics

My shattered dreams and broken heart

Are mending on the shelf

I saw you holding hands

Standing close to someone else

Now I sit all alone

Wishing all my feelings was gone

I gave my best to you

Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry

One last cry

Before I leave it all behind

I gotta put you out of my mind this time

Stop living a lie

I guess I'm down to my last cry

I was here

You were there

Guess we never could agree

While the sun shines on you

I need some love to rain on me

Still I sit all alone

Wishing all my feelings was gone

Gotta get over you

Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry

One last cry

Before I leave it all behind

I gotta put you out of my mind

For the very last time

Stop living a lie

I know I gotta be strong

Cause round me life goes on and on

And on, And on ....

One last cry

Before I leave it all behind

I gotta put you out of my mind

For the very last time

Been living a lie

I guess I'm down, I guess I'm down

I guess I'm down, I guess I'm down...

To my last cry

Being Grateful

I've been thinking about this thing lately, what it is  really about to be grateful in every thing that happen.
We all have to admit it that it is the hardest thing to do yet the most important thing to do.

But based on what happened on my life before, being grateful can't be wrong, no, never. No one knows what will happen to our lives in the future, i mean like who knows if our problems today will be our strength later?
God knows what will be our best, but none of us know.
And if you look further, there is so many things to be grateful for like now, I'm so blessed and grateful for anyone who can makes me smile and laugh, anyone who makes me happy, whoever they are.

It's a nice thing to do tho, it feels nice to give a little thing an attention,
a deep-breath from free air, a smile, laughter, happy-tears, scars that makes you better human being,
friends, they who love you, they who has been there, they who you love, your fav places, trees that so looks so green and so many other things include your problems that believe me, will bring something good very soon, you will never know, it could be a year from now, maybe two, or a week, His time is never wrong, it has been set perfectly.
And if i let my self over thinking about things it will kill me real quick, and like i said before i just want to be happy and being grateful is a big part of happiness.

And what i believe is, what ever happen in high school, it builds me into something better not the otherwise i hope, and this is the right moment to learn how to take things better than before and deal with all of those bullshits without get carried away, how to be 'unselfish' and think about the other, giving your heart for what you want or your purpose, how to be classy not trashy, how to be an openminded person and so on.

Am so thankful for every single problem that God had gave to me, it might be hard but He knows it would be the best for me in the end.
It builds me.

Day 10: A letter

Dear you guys who have broke my heart or tearing me apart or make me feel like want to throw something at your face,

first thing first is thank you, maybe if you didn't do the thing that you have done to me, maybe someone else will and it will all be just the same. And i wouldn't be the person who i am today without those scars and things that made me realize that life isn't always go the way that i want it to be. But in the end, it turned out to be a lot way more better. 

And life is not a real life if it doesn't have something hard, problems and troubles on it, rite?

So, seriously, thank you guys, you made me understand things that i didn't have clue about before.

Even tho sometimes i wonder, why?

Why you did that? Doesn't it bother you to know that someone is feeling insecure or sad because of you? Doesn't it bother you to know that you had let someone down? Or maybe are you guys okay with the ideas that you has lost someone's trust? Bcs for me is no, not at all. You call it what you want but i take some thing for serious. Even tho I'm trying to not to care, I'm still trying and it is the hardest thing to do, kay 

And, why some people is so goddamn-selfish? What is wrong with you? with us? Why you have to be so mean? Why you don't stop thinking your self as a victim?

Why so complicated and why are we not together sharing pizza or something?

Why fight?

Why we have to talk about each other behind each other backs?

I know that we have made things clear. But have you ever heard about, sorry doesn't mean something when trust is already broken?

We might be okay but we are not fine at all. And i guess it safe to say that i don't need you and people like you, and maybe you thought the same too, and it is alright with me, and it would be easier for all of us to be honest. And of course, i accept your apology and I'm so sorry too, but admit it, once a glass is broken, it will never be the same again, isn't it? And it doesn't care how much sorry you say, things will never be the same anymore.

Well, bytheway, thank you for causing me having 'trust issues' and i found myself hardly to believe in people again. 90% of people failed because they believed in a wrong person or something, so I'm just gonna put my trust on God. For it is written that Hope maketh not ashamed. People who believe and have faith will never be disappointed.

All i can do is just hope that what we've been through would bring something good in our life. A good impacts in the end. So well, you guys on your own or whatsoever, and I'm on mine. 

Once again, I'm sorry if i ever made a mistake. And thanks for you guys who had let me down, now I'm getting back up again, and even higher than before

Day 9: The last time I cried

I know guys, i know
My whole life is a mess. This 10 blog challenge is an example. it should be only for 10 days but now we are here, 4th of February. I am so tired of all of those high-school drama. What the hell is wrong with you people, don't you get tired or something?

So for the (not so) 9th day: When was the last time you cried?
Honestly, i can't exactly remember it but maybe it was a few days ago. And no, it's not really because I'm broken-hearted or something, i was just mad, no, i was so mad, and i couldn't express it straight to the person, and well, it's just a big ugh and i was so disappointed, disappointed by a someone you thought would never did is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I didn't mean to cry, but i can't help it and i didn't expect even realize it. I was just so mad, I'm feeling like i want to throw a brick into someone face and yelling at that face and have so much win but i know it is illegal and i don't want a new problem. So my damn tears is falling without any permission, well damn you.

And I'm not saying that I'm clearly don't have any fault. i did something bad and now I regret it with all of my heart. And those were a long time ago, i realized that what i did was so bad and i don't want to do it anymore so i've been trying for like this past few months. I am so sorry, like i said before, i regret it and i know that it was bad. You have your rights, you can do whatever you want to do, even if it means to hate me. Well and 'hate' is a mean and a strong word, isn't it?

Maybe I'm just tired. Tired for being involved to drama that i didn't expect to take a part into them. I just want to live my life happily and get a good grades, is that too much to ask for?
Well, maybe all of these thing is just a thing that 'made' me. Someday i will look back into these kind of time and be grateful.
But being grateful for now seems to be the hardest thing to do.
I'm trying to not to care, i don't need this kind of negativity in my life.

Thank you for anyone who has took a part. Whatever it is. It will build my character, whoever i would be later in the future, it will be all because of you guys.

and, yea i don't know high-school could be this messed up. They said high school was the best time of all and i can't see it, maybe not yet.
And whatever happens in high-school, it builds you. So it doesn't really matter what the problem is but this is about how you take it and how you deal with it, it will show you how and who you are. Don't take it too personally, it will kill you.
Take the good thing, learn from it, do not get your self carried away with those people, throw away the negativity, look up for a really good friends, for seriously, once a preacher in my church said "show me your friends and i can show you your future. A good friend brings you good, and vice versa" , so go get a good friends.
We're all have started to grow up. Now we're old enough to understand yet we are not mature enough to do it. So use your time to be kind to other people, you don't know what they have been through.

In my whole life I'm living my life carefully because i believe this phrase,
Do not ever break someone's trust. And you, do not ever make someone disappointed, even worse don't you ever make someone cry because of you. You do not.
Karma is a deathly biatch, don't you know that?